grits4life's Blog

As I sit here watching the dogs play through the window; I think of all I have been blessed with in my life.  I try very hard not to think of what I don't have or what the past has been. 

Each day is just that the day that I am in.  I've got wonderful children and a husband who has given me more than I could ever have hoped for in a life time.  He had so many things against him when we first married.  I had three children from my first marriage and we have one together.  At ten and a half years younger than me; he took on the challenge of making a home for us.

He began his life with me at a point where most men his age would not have begun dealing with life as he was until another 10 to 15 years.  He accepted this and pressed forward as best he could. 

I know that due to this he has dealt with many disappointments along the way.  He has worked very hard and I know at times he feels he has nothing to show for it. 

The biggest disappointment I know he feels strongly about is the learning process he had to go through in raising another man's children.  He was so young himself and the knowledge and wisdom needed at the time in raising the two oldest wasn't there for him.  He himself hadn't lived long enough to experience and gain the wisdom needed for them at the start of our marriage.

This then is his biggest sadness; feeling like he failed and is much unappreciated for doing the best that he could.  The best he could while not fully understanding what needed to be done.  Were mistakes made, yes.  But they were made by all of us.

If I have one wish for my children; it is that as they age they see Dan for the man he tries so hard to be.  For the father he wants to be and strives to be.  I know that his "delivery" of words and actions don't always come out in a way that is one to create the desired effect.  However, the goal and desire are always in their best interest.

Children do not see life as we do.  It's not until their own children have begun to grow and age that our own children begin to see life through our eyes.  Life would be so much easier if we could understand our parents early.  But, life doesn't work that way.  We only gain this insight as we age living and experiencing life.  Then to our surprise our parents suddenly make sense and we understand the meaning behind what they tried to teach us.  Then, we start the process of teaching the same things to our own because we see that life is what our parents lived.

Two of my children are at the door of beginning this change in their lives.  Although there are many bridges to be rebuilt they should know that as parents we are here to help them rebuild those bridges.  Life is hard and we all need to remember that those who love us are truly the only ones to remember our lives when we are gone.  It is each one's responsibility to put behind any past hurts that keep them from moving forward.  Holding on to these things will only hurt the one holding them. 

So much of the past is just that; The Past.  Let's let it go and move forward to life anew each day.  Look for joy and happiness in all that we see and do.  As family we should build each other up and help each other.  As friends we should do the same.  For in the end that is what we will have the end.

True Forgiveness is the only true way to happiness.  It cleanliness the soul and releases us from guilt and pain.  True forgiveness releases us from the past to live in the now and future.  True forgiveness understands there will always be a need to forgive to stay free and at peace.  True forgiveness ensures living life to its happiest. 

Mat 7:13-14

"Enter through the narrow gate.  For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life and only a few find it."

When I first accepted Christ as my savior at the age of 12 all I really knew was that I had chosen to follow the teaching of Christ for my life.  As I grew older and began to understand more the full meaning behind what I had chosen to do; it became clearer to me that leading the life the church was impressing upon me to do was very difficult if not impossible.

As a teenager (15-19) I strayed away from many of the teaching and wasn't sure just what I was suppose to do with my life much less how God fit into it.  I then married at the age of 19 and had my first child  in 1983 at 22.  It was then that the voice or what ever you want to call it suddenly began to speak laud enough for me to hear.  I started going back to church and studying my Bible.

In doing this I was completely unaware of the battle and results of this.  The more I grew closer to God and focused my attention on his word, the more problems I had in my life.  I had problems before and made some pretty stupid choices before this turn around.  But, the problems didn't appear to have as much of an effect on my life at that time.  At least it didn't seem that way to me.

So, I studied and prayed more.  I prayed for strength, wisdom, tolerance, patience, knowledge and anything else I could think of to make my life happier and smoother.  Nothing doing.   Things only grew worse. 

Another baby arrived in 1987 and then a third in 1987.  All three were born early and all three had long stays in the hospital.  It was during my hospital stay with the birth of my second child that I had my first real and intimate feeling of God's presence.

I was in a hospital in B'ham Alabama and my home was in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Selma.  I was in the room alone and it was a very rough night for me.  My husband at the time had not really been the kind of husband I needed during this emotional crisis.  The baby was born at 26 weeks gestation and was very small.  I was in some sort of a depressed state and not doing well.  The nurses were tying to help me as much as they could.  Around 8:30 in the evening my pastor called to see how I was doing and prayed with me over the phone. 

Later in the evening I began to fill more at peace and in the quite of the room I heard God tell me that my baby would be fine to trust him and turn it over to him.  This, I immediately did.  Then as soon as my prayer ended complete peace filled me and I slept soundly for the first time in days.  My baby was born on March 13 and came home on Mother's day of 1986.

With the birth of my third child in 1987, more testing of my faith would be fall me.  This child would ensure my full dependence on God for all the things I had prayed for in my life.  Also born early, my third was born with multiple handicaps.  Through the needs of my child I had to learn to completely depend on and stand on just faith in God's total care for every aspect of my life.  This placed me forever through the narrow gate and on the narrow path. 

In 1990 I went through a divorce and all the difficult times of being a single mother with three small children.  Again I only had my faith to stand on and had to put my full trust in God.  In 1994, I remarried and began a new chapter in my life.

With the birth of my fourth child in 1994, delivery was at 26 to 28 weeks gestation.  This very little baby had issues I'd not ever had to deal with.  However, the testing of my faith with this birth was for tweaking purposes between God and me.  My faith was at its strongest and God kept his promises.

As I have lived my life in this way it has cost me many things.  It has also placed me in positions of standing alone against the ones I love.  I've been in situations with my loved ones in which I had to clearly choose God over them.  I've learned first hand that the narrow gate and path is not a fun place to be.  It is on this path that Satan wages war against those who are there.  This war is not just for the ones on the path but also for the loved ones not on the path with you. 

This is where Satan knows he can do the most damage to not only you but to your loved ones and your relationships with them.

I learned years ago that the narrow gate is the challenges presented by choosing God's way and the narrow path represents the suffering and self-denial only taken by the few.  It is the most difficult life choice I have ever made.  This choice is a continuous challenge to every aspect of my life.  In so doing I stand on God's promise from James 1:2-4

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

This scripture tells me that God is at work and in control of everything in my life.  He uses both pain and joy to develop endurance and patience along with the other traits needed to create in me a dwelling place for the Holy Sprit.  It also lets me know that if Satan isn't bothering me then I need to take a good look at where I am with my walk with God.  It has always been very clear when I'm beginning a new level in my walk with God because Satan will do something to knock me down.  It is usually when I'm down that I understand and allow God to pick me up and hold me up.

So, why do I continue if it is such a challenge?  Because when I stray too close to the wide gate and the board path I am not at peace and I feel God's distance from me.  I find it hard to hear his voice.  I'm not able to pull from his strength.  And more than anything else; I don't feel his arms around me protecting me and comforting me. Thus, leading me away from God.  To me moving toward God is more important.

Is God real?  Are the things I feel real?  Do I really think he talks to me?  To me the answers to all these questions are yes.  To someone else I am a crazy woman.  But that's ok.  Do I feel by making the choice of the narrow gate and path I've missed out or am missing out on anything?  Most definitely not.  There is nothing more satisfying and fulfilling then knowing and being in the presence of God.   This lets me know, he is indeed very real.  Thus, when my faith is tested on this narrow path; I may stumble or fall.  However, I have complete faith God is there to help me find my way and become stronger and to win the battle of what ever I am being challanged with.